For the many years I owned my recruiting firm, I worked with a LOT of people in technology who were on work visas or had green cards.

Their accents ranged from very strong to barely noticeable.

Some were self-conscious about their accents, and I often reminded them of something I believe deeply:

Communication isn’t about whether you have an accent. It’s about whether you’re understood.

If you can listen to a question, understand what’s being asked, and respond in a way the other person understands, you’ve got two-way communication.

An accent isn’t the problem. Not understanding each other is.

And lately, I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

Enter Kelly Clarkson and Pretty Woman.

It’s hard to miss the conversation unfolding around Kelly Clarkson and the Pretty Woman situation.

I’ve been watching it and thinking about communication.

I don’t know Kelly Clarkson personally (I know, you’re surprised!), but I like the Kelly Clarkson I see on The Voice. And I don’t particularly enjoy watching this unfold.

What strikes me is how easily a conversation can go sideways when two people aren’t hearing the same thing.

One person asks a question. The other responds. The response is heard a certain way, perhaps differently than intended. And suddenly, what might have been a conversation becomes something else entirely.

I don’t know what either party intended. That’s precisely the point.

We can hear the words someone says without understanding what they mean.

And we can be absolutely convinced we’ve communicated clearly when the other person has walked away with an entirely different message.

This happens in job interviews. In performance reviews. In meetings with our bosses. In conversations with our partners, our kids, and the people we love.

And the consequences can be significant.

A missed opportunity. A damaged relationship. A decision made on the basis of something nobody actually meant.

So, how do we get better at this?

2 simple things to create better 2-way communication

1. Get curious before you get certain.

When someone says something that surprises, confuses, or even irritates you, pause before try asking, “Can you tell me a little more about what you mean by that?”

You might discover that what you thought your heard and what they meant were two different things.

2. Check for comprehension, not just delivery.

Saying something clearly isn’t the same as communicating successfully.

Instead of assuming your message landed, try asking, “How does that sound to you?” or “What questions does that bring up?”

And when you’re the listener, repeat back what you heard. Not to prove you’re right, but to make sure you’re on the same page.

What if the problem is bigger than communication?

This brings me to something I’ve been exploring through the work of Martha Beck, particularly her ideas about the Pyramid and the Pool. (Link)

Her work has me thinking about the structures we operate within and how they influence the way we see the world and interact with one another.

What if we spend so much time trying to communicate better within systems that encourage us to compete, defend our positions, prove ourselves, and get things right that we forget how to be genuinely curious about one another?

What if better communication isn’t just about learning the right words or mastering a technique?

What if it’s also about creating the space to listen, question our assumptions, and consider that there might be another way of seeing things?

I’d like to see more of that in our workplaces. More curiosity. More understanding. Less assuming we know what someone else means before we’ve taken the time to find out.

Communication isn’t about winning the conversation.

It’s about making a connection.

And that starts when we care as much about understanding as we do about being understood.