When I was younger, getting feedback often felt a lot like getting criticized.

In my mind, it meant someone didn’t like me as a person. That there was something wrong with me.

I know, right?

But as I grew older, became less defensive, and learned to be more receptive, I began to see the gift in good feedback. It helped me improve my communication, strengthen relationships, and become a better leader.

And recently, I was reminded just how valuable that gift can be.

Why Feedback Can Be Gold for Your Career

I was working with a coaching client who had gone through a lengthy interview process: multiple rounds, a case study, and a panel interview.

Ultimately, the company selected another candidate.

Although she was disappointed, she was also navigating some changes in her personal life and wasn’t even sure she could accept the offer if it came her way.

Still, we were both curious. Was there feedback the hiring manager could share that might help her communicate her experience more effectively and strengthen her interviewing skills for future opportunities?

She reached out to ask.

She expected, at most, an email with a few pointers.

Surprise! The hiring manager offered to get on a call with her.

My client was not excited. She said, “I don’t know if I’m ready to receive the feedback that’s being offered.”

She wanted the feedback, yet she also knew there might be things that would be hard to hear, especially in person.

The “hard to hear” Is the GOLD

Women need to pay attention to the feedback we receive. Research on workplace performance evaluations has found gender differences in the ways and types of feedback given.

Women often receive “nicer” feedback … feedback that’s less specific and less actionable. Men, on the other hand, receive detailed feedback and real ways to improve the work they are doing and their leadership behaviors.

In fact, in one study, they showed 88% of the feedback women receive is based on their personality, like being collaborative, where men only receive 12% personality-related feedback.

When feedback is vague, overly focused on personality, or short on concrete examples, it’s harder to use it to advance your career.

Specific, actionable feedback is gold.

So, in preparation for the conversation my client was going to have with the hiring manager, I came up with tactics for receiving feedback that help get quality, actionable feedback

4 Ways to Receive Feedback

1. Get curious, not defensive (… Don’t be like Laurie at 14😊)

When you know you’re heading into a conversation where you might hear something difficult, it’s easy to armor up like you are going to battle.

You start preparing your defense before the other person has even opened their mouth.

Instead, when your brain starts gearing up for a fight, give it a different job.

Try a thought like:

I’m here to understand, not defend.

You don’t have to assume the feedback will be wonderful. You just need to stay curious enough to hear it.

2. Manage your energy

I coach a lot around being intentional about the energy you bring into conversations.

Managing your energy is really a form of self-regulation. I teach a more in-depth process for managing your thoughts and emotions called the Mindset Method to my coaching clients, but here’s a simple place to start.

Before you walk into a conversation that feels uncomfortable, take three intentional breaths. Relax your shoulders. Give yourself a moment to settle.

Then remind yourself: I like learning and growing.

You don’t need to walk in feeling fearless. You just need to create enough space to be open to whatever happens next.

3. Listen all the way through

One of the hardest parts of receiving feedback is resisting the urge to explain ourselves.

We start formulating our response before the other person has finished speaking. I used to feel like they were not seeing the whole story of who I was and what I did and I needed to give that to them. I know now that this is not necessary to get powerful feedback I can use.

The way to get what I really want is to listen all the way through first and then ask questions versus explaining.

• • Can you give me an example?
• • What might that have looked like in practice?
• • What would you have liked to see instead?

You don’t have to agree with the feedback. You’re simply gathering information and deciding whether there’s something useful in it for you.

4. Build the relationship

Here’s something easy to overlook … someone taking the time to give you thoughtful feedback is offering you an opportunity to strengthen that relationship.

Even if some of what they say stings, you can appreciate that they took time out of their busy schedule for you.

Thank them for their time. Let them know what was helpful. If appropriate, follow up later to share something you’ve put into practice.

You never know where that relationship might lead. A future connection, an introduction, or an opportunity you hadn’t anticipated could grow from it.

You Get to Decide What Feedback Means

We hear a lot about giving feedback and having “radical candor”, but receiving feedback is an equally important career skill.

You don’t have to love the feedback. You don’t have to agree with all of it. And you certainly don’t need to let it define you.

You get to decide what you do with the feedback.

Think about that younger version of me who heard criticism and immediately wondered what was wrong with her.

I wish I could tell her what I know now … that someone else’s perspective is GOLD.

We can listen without losing confidence in ourselves. We can learn without making ourselves wrong. We can take what serves us and leave what doesn’t.

We can walk away from feedback conversations trusting ourselves more, not less.

It’s a form of alchemy to turn someone else’s perspective into an opportunity to build self-trust, greater wisdom, and find stronger career possibilities for yourself.