How to create connection, reduce defensiveness, and build stronger relationships when receiving feedback.

Have I got something cool to share with you this week …  a powerful way to build a stronger relationship with your boss and reduce your anxiety about your upcoming performance review.

I learned this cool trick at a recent workshop I attended at Second City, Chicago’s premier improv club.

AND … it is not the “Yes, and” improv technique that has taken the corporate world by storm though that one is worth a reminder so here goes.

“Yes, and” is an improv tool that an improv troop will use to keep an improv sketch going.

On stage, when a member of the improv troupe makes a statement like, “The cows seem to be eating way more grass than usual”, another member of the troupe will follow with, “Yes, and their milk seems to be changing colors” and so on. The other comedians will keep the conversation going by using the “Yes, and” prompt instead of using “Yes, but” or another transition statement that leaves someone stuck on what to say next.

Now imagine you are part of the team at work that has been brought together to review the current metrics around user feedback and service delivery in order to pinpoint areas for improvement and brainstorm new ideas for enhancements.

If someone on the team makes a suggestion and you respond, “Yes, but”, the person who put forth the idea might feel dismissed and not heard.  They will be less likely to share future ideas or push back on other ideas that are presented.  You may think you are agreeing but you really aren’t. Whatever you say after the but, is what you really mean.

“Yes, and” is a way to build on someone else’s idea keeping the ideation momentum going, encourage all members of the team to speak out without fear, and create a more inclusive work culture.

Make work culture better 

Feeling seen, having our voices heard, and knowing that our contributions are valued is an ongoing fight for women in tech. Bringing “Yes, and” into your meetings can help.

Another area that creates a toxic work environment is how someone delivers feedback.

The problem is that we have little control over how someone else shares their feedback with us.

What we do have control over is how we receive it.

Get ready for the next improv technique that will help with this.

Another improv technique you can use in your career 

I was at an event recently through #Chicago Innovation. The speaker was Kelly Leonard, former Executive Vice President of Second City.

During his keynote talk, Kelly had us do an exercise called “Thanks, because.”

We found a partner and we each took one side of an issue and debated why our side was the best. My partner and I choose the battle of the pizza slices – thick or thin?

Are you team thin-  or team thick- pizza?

My partner argued the benefits of thin pizza. She said that one major benefit was when at an event, you could eat more slices, trying different variety of toppings and sauces for the same number of calories as 1 slice of thick pizza with only 1 topping choice.

Points to thin pizza!

I gave my pitch for thick. I suggested that when you choose thick-crust you are going to eat fewer slices and that is a good thing. You only have to choose 1 slice to fill up. You don’t have to keep making decisions again and again on what thin slice topping and/or sauce you are. We are filled with decision fatigue by the end of the day. Don’t make me do 1 more around pizza. I followed that up with the clincher … because you are only going to the buffet1 time to choose 1 slice you now have more time to network and connect with others at the event.

Points to thick pizza!

At the end of the pizza debate, we each took turns trying out the “Thanks, because”  technique. It went something like this.

I said, “Thanks for telling me why you love thin crust pizza over thick because I had never considered that I could try out different varieties and push outside my normal pizza choice comfort zone. That sounds like a fun pizza adventure.

My partner said, “Thanks for telling me why your preferred choice is thick-crust pizza because I know I often use food to keep myself busy at events. I distract myself from having to talk with people I do not know except that is not why I went to the event.  I want to connect with people. Eating 1 slice of thick and focusing on building relationships sounds much more satisfying in the long run.

By her using “Thanks, because” I immediately felt seen. I did not feel the need to defend against her thoughts about pizza.  She felt like her opinion mattered.

Try using “Thanks, because” at work

The next time you receive feedback from someone say, “Thanks for suggesting I use the new ABC tool for this project because it was not something I had considered. The benefits you described sound amazing, and the project will be better served if I were to use the same tool as the others on the team.

When you use “Thanks, because” a few things happen in a relationship:

• You immediately take responsibility instead of getting defensive.
• You remove any vibe of combativeness from the situation.
• You acknowledged the person’s perspective creating inclusivity and connection.

When we aren’t in a defensive stance when someone gives us feedback, we create more space.

Space for connection. Space for inclusion. Space for peace.

The space to create a work culture that works for everyone!

P.S. Career Alchemy Academy is a space created for Women Connected to Tech to feel included, seen, valued, and connected. Join today!