Recently I shared a story about how I was confronted with the fact that I still am a people-pleaser … and it led to me piddling my pants! (Read HERE).
Many of you reached out appreciating my bravery in sharing this embarrassing moment. You also acknowledged that you too find yourself people-pleasing even when, at the same time, you consider yourself assertive and willing to ask for what you need and want at work.
We can be both things at the same time.
What I noticed is that people-pleasing falls under our conscious awareness because being nice, polite and putting ourselves second is so ingrained into how we as women have been raised.
It is time to shine the spotlight on how we may be people-pleasing at work so we can change these unconscious patterns for good.
What better way to do that than with a non-scientific, meant-to-be-fun quiz!
Am I right! Who doesn’t love a quiz?
3-part Quiz: Discover Your People-Pleasing Persona at Work?
I like to think of people-pleasing as those times when we let ourselves down. We found ourselves giving false yeses, nos and maybes and then had resentment, anger and/or regret later.
Try this:
Step 1: Rate Your People-Pleasing Tendencies
Give yourself 1 point for situations you’ve experienced more than a few times and 3 points if they happen frequently.
The False Yes – Those situations where you agreed to something without truly wanting to:
1. Taking on extra work despite a full plate.
2. Staying at work late to please or look good to others, especially supervisors.
3. Volunteering to cover for others, putting your own work aside.
4. Attending meetings out of obligation, not necessity.
5. Doing “office housework” (organizing, note-taking) when no one raised their hand.
The False No – Those times when you wanted to say no but felt unable to:
1. Taking on tasks outside your role.
2. Training new team members when it’s not your job.
3. Accepting last-minute requests despite disruptions to your work and life.
4. Staying silent on team decisions to avoid tension.
5. Skipping breaks to meet unreasonably high expectations.
The False Maybe – Those moments when you felt unsure but defaulted to “yes”:
1. Nodding along to unsolicited feedback without expressing your own thoughts.
2. Helping a colleague “just this once” without confirming what that really entails.
3. Apologizing for mistakes that weren’t fully your fault.
4. Supporting a project you had doubts about but didn’t voice.
5. Attending a team social event to avoid seeming unfriendly.
Step 2: Add Up Your Score and Discover Your People-Pleasing Persona
- 0-9 Points: The Self-Care Sage — You live by the phrase, “What can I do to best take care of myself in this situation. You know when to take a beat. You have a way of expressing ideas and asking for what you need without putting others off. You are known for being clear, assertive and calm.
- 10-18 Points: The Boundary Builder — You balance helping others with respecting your own needs. You help others when you want to and are able but not because you feel obligated. People know that when you say yes you are all in. And when you say no it is because you have considered the request thoughtfully before you declined.
- 19-27 Points: The Comfort Zoner — You have been making progress when it comes to considering yourself and workload before simply agreeing in order to please others. You love how powerful you feel when you first think of you. You love to be helpful but are now starting to prioritize yourself. You still feel some guilt and a desire to stay in your comfort zone, but you know that this is just part of your growth. You are on your way!
- 28-36 Points: The “Sure Thing” — You often say yes before considering the full impact on yourself and your work. You are a generous person by nature. It feels good to help. Your first instinct is to say yes when you really want to say no. Saying maybe leaves you with all kinds of uncomfortable feelings and you would rather just say yes and not disappoint others. You can always work weekends to catch back up.
- 37-45 Points: The Over-Giver — You are the go-to person for all the things. It used to feel good but now you are exhausted, overwhelmed and burnt out! You almost never say no, which leaves you overcommitted, dropping balls and dragging yourself to work in the morning. Plus, it does not really seem to have any positive impact on your career or relationships at work but setting stronger boundaries and saying no seems scarier than a horror flick.
Step 3: Whatever your persona, take a moment to review possible ways to change your people-pleasing ways. Awareness that you (and all of us at some point or another) will people-please removes the guilt and empowers you to break old patterns and change who you are at work.
5 Actionable Ways to Shift Away from People-Pleasing
- Pause Before Yes: Take a beat before committing to requests in order to consider if the request aligns with your priorities and values. Say something like, “Thank you for thinking of me. I need to review my schedule, and I will get back to you by XXX time.”
- Reframe No: Remind yourself that saying “no” is a “yes” to your self-care. You can use a similar version to the above statement and say, “Thank you for thinking of me. My schedule is fully booked right now but I will reach out should sometime open up.”
- Use Assertive Language: Replace apologetic language with clear statements. No need to say, “I’m sorry I don’t think I can.” Just say no. “I am at capacity with my current projects and are unable to take on additional tasks at this time.” Then be quiet! No need to add to this or fill the space because you feel uncomfortable. They can figure it out from there.
- Lean into Body Genuis: In Career Alchemy Academy (JOIN TODAY) we focus on learning to trust our intuition and look to it for guidance in a variety of ways. One of the best ways your intuition speaks to you is through feelings in your body. Inside the Academy you learn a tool called The Body Genius that helps with tuning into the guidance your body has to offer. You can do this simply by starting to pay attention to the feelings you have in your body when someone makes a request. What does your body feel like when it is excited and enthusiastic about something and what does it feel like when it wants to run to the other side of the planet? These are clues that your boundaries are being tested. Pay attention.
- Don’t Lose the Lesson: Another tool used inside the Career Alchemy Academy is the Retrospective. Sometimes we do not know we were people-pleasing until after the fact. That is ok but do not lose the lesson! Evaluating what led to the people-pleasing behaviors after the fact can give you great insight into what you could have done differently arming you with better responses and actions for the future.
Being kind, generous and helpful are not bad qualities to demonstrate at work but not to the detriment of your health, well-being and daily joy.
Consider what drives your people-pleasing patterns. Are you saying yes out of fear of conflict, or a need for approval? Are you setting boundaries or letting people-pleasing lead?
When you decide to stop with the false yeses, nos and maybes you become more authentic at work.
When you respect your own boundaries and put your self-care as the #1 priority this leads to more fulfilling work and work relationships and helps keep your energy balanced, so you have more to give when you want to give it.
Nervous that you will take your people-pleasing behaviors into your next career move?
Are you ready to set better boundaries and step into that more powerful version of yourself?
Then join Career Alchemy Academy and have the career you are meant to have.
FIND OUT MORE HERE!
